“I love you.”
“I hate you.”

A few words can make or break a relationship. 

This is not about how skilled you are as a communicator. 

This is about how aware you are. 

After all, words aren’t just a result of your thoughts, they are also a product of your emotions. As Baba Shiv, a Standard professor and neuroscientist, said: 

“Something like 90 to 95% of our decisions and behaviors are constantly being shaped non-consciously by the emotional brain system.”

And when you aren’t mindful, emotions can control what you say… and you might just end up saying things that you will regret forever.

I certainly regret saying a lot of hurtful things in my mid-twenties. When I got angry, I often lashed out at others, whether it was blaming or criticizing them. 

And I paid the price: my toxic behavior eventually led to the end of a romantic relationship.  

It was only after years of meditating and practicing mindfulness that I saw myself clearer — how my emotional triggers and defensive mechanisms distorted my communication.

Based on my experience, here are a few ways to be more mindful of your words. And the good news is, you don’t have to meditate for years like I have 🙂  

Watch out for HALT!  

HALT stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired: sources of emotional stress that lead to mindless behavior. Sounds obvious, but do you make sure you aren’t in any of these states before communicating?

To be aware of HALT signals, check in with yourself from time to time. Dr. David Streem, a psychiatrist, recommends asking these two questions:

• What is my physical state?
• What is my emotional state? 

Sleep before you speak  

As I mentioned, sleep deprivation makes it harder to be mindful. But why?  Neuroscience research reveals that sleep plays a critical role in emotional regulation: it helps us strengthen positive emotions and weaken negative ones. 

If you are too exhausted or emotional to talk thoughtfully, ask if you could talk at another time. Even a quick nap will help you reset your “mindfulness meter”. 

Pause more 

Pausing doesn’t just help you think and speak clearer, it also makes it easier to connect with your emotions. 

And it doesn’t have to be awkwardly long, either: according to research, a pause can be anywhere from 0.15 seconds to 1.50 seconds (the latter is how long an in-breath or out-breath might take.) 

As you pause, notice any emotions as well as sensations that come up for you. Acknowledge their presence, and bring your attention back to the conversation. (If it’s too hard to pause, make an excuse to use the washroom or step outside.) 

Remind yourself regularly 

Practicing mindfulness in conversation isn’t easy — it might just feel like learning how to drive while driving the darn car. And that’s why it’s important to have a recurring reminder. Here’s what I recommend… 

At the start of every day, set the intention to communicate mindfully. This can be as simple as saying: “May I speak with love.” Or, you could journal about your values like I do every morning. 
Here are other tips to start your day with mindfulness.